The Dallas Stars Just Entered A World Of Pain

The Dallas Stars, hockey’s most awkwardly located NHL team, has seen fit to poke fun at the NBA’s referee scandal. They have posted a billboard claiming that “The Only Thing Our Refs Shave Is The Ice”, seen above. Where do you get off, Stars? How dare you poke fun at professional sports most respected officials. What the heck does “Come Into The Cold” mean, anyway?
On the other hand, this is the sort of behavior I would expect from a bunch of Canadians and eastern Europeans, but Mav’s owner and attention hog Mark Cuban has been reported as saying, “I think it’s hysterical. Good for them. It’s a fun ad”. It wouldn’t be so funny if you could blame point shaving for your embarrassingly early exit from the playoffs, would it Mark? I doubt it will be more hysterical than your Dancing With the Stars performances.
I’ve got some suggestions for NBA billboards that might return the favor. “The Only Fights Our Refs Allow Are Between Artest And Paying Patrons”, “The Only Blades Our Players Use Are For Shanking” and “Our League Has Nothing To Do With The ‘Mighty Ducks’ Movies” are just a few of my brilliant ideas.
I move for some sort of rebuttal from the League. Don’t underestimate Stern’s hatred for Texas, Stars.

We're Number 1

If there was any doubt in anybody’s mind that the United States is the most physically dominant and thus superior nation on earth, the USA Men’s Senior Basketball Team has shut you up. They haven’t won by less than 27 points and remain undefeated by the best of the Americas. But some, including ESPN’s Chris Sheridan, aren’t satisfied by the USA. They claim that the roster is full of egos and lacking in defense. Umm, excuse me but last time I checked defense is reserved for opponents that play basketball professionally, not as training for soccer.
You shouldn’t be concerned with the fact that America allowed Mexico to score 100 points, because they’re playing under a system developed partially by Mike D’Antoni. He’s the coach of the Phoenix Suns who doesn’t care how many times the other team scores, as long as his team scores one point more.
Game Recognize Game guarantees an undefeated record in every single game this current incarnation of the USA Olympic Team plays, or I will personally write an entry praising whatever lame, finger-rolling country takes enough charges to win.

You Can't Keep Them From Dancing

Studies have shown that Basketball becomes an alternative means of income for more than 75% of failed professional dancers*. So, when you bring players together, as the NBA did in this rookie photo shoot, they're going to demand a DJ and they're gonna get down.



Let's just say, Joakim Noah's dancing ability parallels his basketball skills.


*This fact is 100% made up.

Thunder vs. Harry

On one legendary night, the Golden State Warriors and the Atlanta Hawks decided to cancel their basketball matchup and settle things off the court. That's right, an old fashioned mascot dance-off, winner take all. If only more teams had the integrity and courage to settle things this way.

The winner? You be the judge, but keep in mind that Harry the Hawk had to tag in someone not wearing a giant beaked head and wings.

Shaq's Turning Ming Into Bling

Everyone knows Shaquille O’Neal is no stranger to the Far East, as this message to Yao Ming during the 02-03 season proved, “Tell Yao Ming, ‘ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh’”. As Shaq bridges the gap between the East and West so seamlessly, his shoe sponsor sent him over to China to do some promotional work as only he can, producing the timeless pictures seen throughout this post. Shaq is so immersed in Chinese culture, that he was able to pick out the perfect wedding gift for Ming. What do you get the giant Asian who has everything, you ask? Shaq suggested this, "If you let me choose a wedding gift for him, I would give Yao four 24-inch customized rims”. Yao’s rickshaw is gonna be off the chizzain.

Allan and Anfernee Must Read This Blog

Well Reggie Miller's Retired All-Star Squad has created quite a bit of hype already and, in an unlikely coincidence, All-Star Allan Houston is considering a return to the NBA and Penny Hardaway has signed with the Miami Heat.
The 36 year-old Houston is more than willing to sacrifice his Knicks legacy in order to play about 10 minutes a night and put up the occasional three pointer. When asked if he would play on Reggie Miller's Retired All-Star Squad, however, he had the following to say. "I'm looking to play a supporting role to some of these great young stars,'' Houston said. "More of a leadership role, someone who can add experience and stability late in games". So, he wouldn't play with other old washed up has-beens. Maybe Ostertag can talk him into it.
Penny Hardaway hasn't looked back at his Orlando legacy as he joins the already elderly Heat. He'll join Gary Payton and possibly Alonzo Mourning in the team that is slowly turning into Reggie Miller's Retired All-Star Squad.
Both of these guys should have stayed retired, but didn't. They earn a spot on the Squad.

Reggie Miller's Retired All-Star Squad

The fact that Reggie Miller is actually considering making an NBA “comeback” forced me to consider a team comprised entirely of old has-beens to be known as “Reggie Miller’s Retired All-Star Squad”. Despite the name, these players don’t actually have to be retired, but they should be. These are players who experienced some level of success on some level of play and, despite being old, choose to either return and disgrace whatever legacy they left (i.e. Reggie Miller), or refuse to unclench the nails they have dug into whatever amount of achievment they have experienced (i.e. Dikembe Mutombo). Sometimes they are just such a perfect combination of bad and old that they earn a spot (i.e. Greg Ostertag). In any case, they should retire and/or stay retired.

PG- Gary Payton (39)
SG- Reggie Miller (41)
SF- Scottie Pippen (41)
PF- Greg Ostertag (34)
C- Dikembe Mutombo (41)
Honorable Mentions: Alonzo Mourning, Aaron McKie and Sam Cassell

Gary Payton: As the 2006 NBA Finals taught us, this guy is the most useful player on Reggie Miller’s Retired All-Star Squad. And yet, he’s useless. He used to be pretty good, but these days he’s known as “the guy DWade used to play as in NBA Live ‘98”. The Glove needs to retire already and be remembered for his success with the Supersonics, not as the player trying to shimmy himself back into relevancy.

Reggie Miller: He’s about to turn 42 and still contemplating a return to the league. Danny Ainge promised him a solid 15 minutes a game… not worth sacrificing his Pacers legacy. He managed to play on the same team for his entire 18-year career and will be remembered as the best Pacer to ever beat the Knicks. He even found a great job yakking it up on TNT. Besides, a team with Pierce, Allen and Miller won’t be that cool after the novelty wears off.

Scottie Pippen: After announcing that he was interested in making a comeback in February, Pippen proceeded to embarrass himself during All-Star weekend in the Haier Shooting Stars competition. He was unable to land himself on a team last season (shocker), but don’t think he’s given up the fight. Maybe he has something to prove because all the focus was on Jordan during his career, but regardless, he’s got rings and he’s got money so there’s really no reason to even think about returning.

Greg Ostertag: He may be the youngest player on this squad, but he makes up for it by being the worst. Though he doesn’t have a “legacy” to disgrace, the fact that he thinks a team would want him to contribute 15 minutes is embarrassing enough.

Dikembe Mutombo: He’s old, he’s bad and he won’t leave. He may be personable and socially conscious but he can’t play like he used to. He should accept that he’s the second best shot-blocker and one of the most dynamic rebounders ever, and retire already.

The Bench: Copy and paste Mutombo’s paragraph for Alonzo Mourning. Just like Payton, he should have bowed out after he won the championship.
Aaron McKie is just terrible. He stole the 6th man of the year award and that’s the only thing he has to show for his entire career. Bet you didn’t know he’s actually on the Lakers now. Weird, right?
Sam Cassell is a mummy. He was once the pharaoh of all the Western Nile, but today he is a 30,000-year-old basketball player. He was actually too old to make the All-Star Retired Squad. Go back to the crypt, Sam.

When some of today’s brightest stars blossom into players like these, hope they retire and stay retired.

James Posey Is Livin' It Up

James Posey was probably the luckiest player in the league during Miami's victorious championship run in '06, as he won a trophy without actually contributing. Ever since then, he's done everything he can to embarrass himself from getting arrested to getting fat. But why should I even report on his latest mess up when this site sums it up so well?

http://miamihoopsblog.com/2007/08/02/strike-a-posey/