Big Fraiser Hopes To Become Big GM?

"What Does GM Stand For?"

In the few exciting days before the NBA season begins, one question is on everybody's mind. Would Shaq make an effective General Manager?
If you haven't already heard, Big Fraiser plans on purchasing the Orlando Magic with fellow washed up Phoenix Sun, Grant Hill. The fact that people don't actually know that Shaq would be the worlds worst GM is the only thing that makes this story actually interesting. Sure, he's been in the L for about 35 years and he's on a first name basis with pretty much every player that has been in the NBA in that time, but frankly... Shaq is an idiot. I hate to say it, but it's just my opinion. He was the most dominant college and professional basketball player to play in the last 20 years and he has more rings than most people could ever imagine but I just don't think he has been able to learn the intricacies of running a professional sports franchise in between becoming a certified deputy sheriff and the semi-serious commitment of playing 82 basketball games a year.
I may be wrong in assuming that Shaq thinks the job of General Manager entails hanging out with Grant Hill and going to the Dunk Contest once a year, but I honestly don't think he quite understands what he's getting himself into. It's great that Shaq wants to continue to be involved in the NBA, and no one is happier than I am that he wants to end his painfully dwindling career as a player, but I'm predicting a failure. You heard it here first.

Can You Believe Shaq's Album Only Went Gold?

"I Love It When You Call Me Big Cactus"
Our favorite MC Shaq Diesel (aka Shaquille O'Neal (aka Big Fraiser)) is at it again, dissing former teammate Kobe Bryant in a freestlye preformed at some night club. Luckily, TMZ was there to capture the whole thing and put it up on the interweb for everyone to enjoy. You can check the video out, or skip it and read the important parts:



You know how I be
Last week, Kobe couldn't be without me
I'm a horse Kobe ratted me out
That's why I'm getting divorced
I love 'em
I don't leave 'em
I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em
Chorus: Kobe *expletive*, tell me how my *expletive* tastes

A verbal beat down if I've ever heard one. Sure, Kobe was MVP and it seems like Shaq is in need of help while the Lakers won the West, and no, Shaq's vasectomy isn't relevant, but still... ouch. Of course, Shaq claims he could hardly help but preform a clearly rehearsed and planned rap for a group of people while being filmed, "I was freestyling. That's all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MC's do. They freestyle when called upon". He was called upon, ok? Like what, he was just gonna sit there and not freestyle about Kobe? He's an MC people! While Stephen A. Smith and ESPN might criticize this move, GRG praises Shaq for having the guts to say what we were all thinking: What does Shaq's expletive taste like?
I'm just concerned about the inevitable comeback track from camp Kobe. If it's as hot as what Shaq provided, we could have another Tupac/Biggie situation on our hands.

I Know I've Never Heard of Him

Shaq Who?

The media’s connection with the NBA has officially reached over-the-top status. It was bad enough when any idiot could guarantee the public a victory in the playoffs (i.e. Jameer Nelson) but now, a Chicago radio show is willing to listen to some no name kid claim that he can take the Suns all the way one day. His name is something like Shakeel O’Kneel (spelling???) and I, for one, find it hard to believe that his name will be remembered, despite his claims to the contrary, "I think I can do enough to still get us there to win. . . . I will go out with a bang. My name will be remembered."
Considering I don’t even know who the heck he is now, I doubt I will be able to remember him when he retires. Maybe some of you recognize him for his more common name, Big Cactus. When asked about why this unknown role player chose such a strange nickname, he responded, "If you show anybody a cactus, they know what it is worldwide. There are 100 different types of cactus. Nobody knows its origin. You don't have to give it water, but it's known worldwide. And if you grab one, you will get hurt."

So NBA players out there beware because when you square off against this no name you should know:
a) Not to touch him
b) Don’t bother to try and understand his origin
c) Don’t expect him to stop to drink any water

Shaq Has An(other) Illegitimate Son?

"Whatever You Do, Don't Put Out An Album"

I understand that it might be a little hard to notice these days, but Dwight Howard is a lot like Shaq. I mean, a lot like him. You’ve all seen last years All-Star dance contest, but these two have more in common then just YouTube take over. The fact that they were both selected first overall to Orlando should say something. All this talk about how Dwight Howard is a clear superstar who is still so raw and has so much room for improvement sounds a lot like Shaq’s hype back in ’96. In fact, lets look at ’96 a little bit closer. Shaq was 26 points with 11 rebounds and 2 blocks, shooting 57% from the field in his 4th season. Shooting might not be the best word. Big Fraiser basically dunked it every single time. Sounds a lot like Dwight Howard. In this, Howard’s 4th season, Dwight is averaging 22 points, 14 rebounds 2 blocks and he’s shooting (more like dunking) at about 59%. Aside from stats, position and ability, it’s important to remember that Shaq was just about the goofiest big man ever when he came into the league. These days Dwight Howard is dancing, joking and smiling into all of our hearts. Still, to really get a sense of how similar these two are, you really have to watch them play. Here’s a video that allows you to do just that. (For the record, I thought of this before I found the video).



So what does this mean for the future of Dwight? He'll play with the Lakers until Kobe gets jealous and ships him off.

Who Divorces This Guy?

Shaquille “Big Respect” O’Neal has always been a leader in the crusade against bullying. This has never been more evident than here, in a cut scene from SNL where he seems to protect and then serenade Will Farrell to sleep. Remember LeBron, Shaq was there first.



By upstaging Kelsey Grammer, I now deem Shaq “Big Frasier”.

Shaq's Turning Ming Into Bling

Everyone knows Shaquille O’Neal is no stranger to the Far East, as this message to Yao Ming during the 02-03 season proved, “Tell Yao Ming, ‘ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-soh’”. As Shaq bridges the gap between the East and West so seamlessly, his shoe sponsor sent him over to China to do some promotional work as only he can, producing the timeless pictures seen throughout this post. Shaq is so immersed in Chinese culture, that he was able to pick out the perfect wedding gift for Ming. What do you get the giant Asian who has everything, you ask? Shaq suggested this, "If you let me choose a wedding gift for him, I would give Yao four 24-inch customized rims”. Yao’s rickshaw is gonna be off the chizzain.

Shaq's Big Challenge: Not Accidently Crushing Children

Bored of watching the Spurs manhandle the Cavs in a one-sided NBA Finals series? I know I am but Shaq, once again, comes to the rescue. Diesel is signed on to battle childhood obesity in his new series with ABC, “Shaq’s Big Challenge”.
O’Neal has selected a crack team of the worlds best scientific minds (too bad he couldn’t just clone 6 versions of himself) to help him pummel these children into shape. Shaq's own physician and trainer, Dr. Carlon "Doc" Colker, personal trainer Tarik Tyler, nutritionist Dr. Joy Bauer, childhood obesity expert Dr. William Muinos, M.D. from Miami Children's Hospital, Food Network celebrity chef Tyler Florence and Shaq's Louisiana State University coach Dale Brow are all there to do the “sciency crap” for Big Aristotle.
Shaquille O’Neal will help 6 lucky Floridian middle-schoolers personally, through good diet and exercise to the point that they are able to see their own toes. But the fun doesn’t stop there, after helping these children, “Dr. Diesel’s Dream Team of Nutritionologists” will attempt to change the way the state of Florida deals with children’s health all throughout the state. Shaq for governor, anyone? No matter what level of government Shaq ends up in, here’s hoping that he truly makes a difference for the children.
In semi-related news, Shaq could once spin on his head as parts of his break-dance routine, but he gained too much weight and he can’t do it anymore without breaking his neck.