Can You Believe Shaq's Album Only Went Gold?

"I Love It When You Call Me Big Cactus"
Our favorite MC Shaq Diesel (aka Shaquille O'Neal (aka Big Fraiser)) is at it again, dissing former teammate Kobe Bryant in a freestlye preformed at some night club. Luckily, TMZ was there to capture the whole thing and put it up on the interweb for everyone to enjoy. You can check the video out, or skip it and read the important parts:



You know how I be
Last week, Kobe couldn't be without me
I'm a horse Kobe ratted me out
That's why I'm getting divorced
I love 'em
I don't leave 'em
I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em
Chorus: Kobe *expletive*, tell me how my *expletive* tastes

A verbal beat down if I've ever heard one. Sure, Kobe was MVP and it seems like Shaq is in need of help while the Lakers won the West, and no, Shaq's vasectomy isn't relevant, but still... ouch. Of course, Shaq claims he could hardly help but preform a clearly rehearsed and planned rap for a group of people while being filmed, "I was freestyling. That's all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever. That is what MC's do. They freestyle when called upon". He was called upon, ok? Like what, he was just gonna sit there and not freestyle about Kobe? He's an MC people! While Stephen A. Smith and ESPN might criticize this move, GRG praises Shaq for having the guts to say what we were all thinking: What does Shaq's expletive taste like?
I'm just concerned about the inevitable comeback track from camp Kobe. If it's as hot as what Shaq provided, we could have another Tupac/Biggie situation on our hands.

In Case You Didn't Know, Basketball Was Also Played In The 80's

Wait a Second... These Are the Same Teams That Are Playing Now!
I’m sure you all want to hear my opinions on the most exciting NBA Finals in recent memory, which currently has the Lakers up 51-46 at the half in Game 1. Well you can go to ESPN for that generic, “journalistic" stuff. Oh, this is the first time these teams have met since 1987? I had no idea, Stuart Scott, thanks a billion for that. What’s that you say Michael Wilbon? These are the two teams that once employed Magic Johnson and Larry Bird? They were rivals? Now the teams are playing again, many, many years later? Amazing!
Despite the Entertainment Sports Programming Network’s best efforts to beat the point to death, this series is pretty interesting. I mean how close was it to being Detroit vs. San Antonio? If that had happened, GRG would have been converted to a hockey blog. I bet David Stern rigged the games just to avoid a 7 game series that seems like it goes on for 40 games. Here’s a look at what could have been but (thank God) was not:
Rasheed Wallace: Internal combustion. Makes a profanity riddled criticism of Brent Barry’s dunk contest victory.
Tim Duncan: Sets a new NBA record for bank shots. Annoying old guys claim to appreciate his irksome fundamentals. I commit suicide when suddenly realizing this is what got the Spurs their collection of rings.
Bruce Bowen: Reaches the career milestone of 400 billion flops. Realizes that, by never scoring a single point in his career, all his rings are tainted and undeserved. Cries himself to sleep for the remaining 35 years of his life.
Tony Parker: He’s actually pretty good at basketball and has an amazing life… IN FRANCE! Ha ha, sucker.
So, instead of that, we have Kobe potentially dunking on KG and vice versa. I don’t really plan on live blogging any games, or giving breakdowns, but I can refer you to “The Television” or “The Newspaper” for that info. If something funny happens, I’ll put that up for you, but pretty much I’m just getting ready for the draft. With Joe Alexander and Chase Buddinger coming out, the new era of the high flying white boy will be ushered in. The prophecy is fulfilled!

I Know I've Never Heard of Him

Shaq Who?

The media’s connection with the NBA has officially reached over-the-top status. It was bad enough when any idiot could guarantee the public a victory in the playoffs (i.e. Jameer Nelson) but now, a Chicago radio show is willing to listen to some no name kid claim that he can take the Suns all the way one day. His name is something like Shakeel O’Kneel (spelling???) and I, for one, find it hard to believe that his name will be remembered, despite his claims to the contrary, "I think I can do enough to still get us there to win. . . . I will go out with a bang. My name will be remembered."
Considering I don’t even know who the heck he is now, I doubt I will be able to remember him when he retires. Maybe some of you recognize him for his more common name, Big Cactus. When asked about why this unknown role player chose such a strange nickname, he responded, "If you show anybody a cactus, they know what it is worldwide. There are 100 different types of cactus. Nobody knows its origin. You don't have to give it water, but it's known worldwide. And if you grab one, you will get hurt."

So NBA players out there beware because when you square off against this no name you should know:
a) Not to touch him
b) Don’t bother to try and understand his origin
c) Don’t expect him to stop to drink any water

It's Been A While, So Listen To My Stream of Consciousness

"We Won't Have To Take Another Joakim Noah This Year"


In honor of the new, edgy Game Recognize Game format, I actually watched the NBA Draft Lottery today so that I could filter the 30 minutes it takes to the 2 minutes of actually necessary information for you. The draft picks landed as follows:

1) Chicago Bulls
2) Miami Heat
3) Minnesota Timberwolves
4) Seattle Supersonics
5) Memphis Grizzlies
6) New York Knicks
7) L.A. Clippers
8) Milwaukee Bucks
9) Charlotte Bobcats
10) New Jersey Nets
11) Indiana Pacers
12) Sacremento Kings
13) Portland Trail Blazers
14) Golden State Warriors

That right there is a list you can find almost anywhere else starting tomorrow, but here are some fun facts that can only be supplied by GRG (after I copy them from somewhere else).

Chicago had a 1.7 percent chance of winning, but everyone else can take solace in the fact that they still don’t have a head coach.

Jay-Z represented New Jersey during the lottery. H to the Izzo didn’t exactly look natural flanked by the infamous moustaches of Larry Bird and Mike D’Antoni, but I expect to see more of him after he moves the Nets to Crooklyn and takes the head coaching job.

Some young Timberwolves fan who has had over 100 surgeries gave the representative his teddy bear to bring for good luck. The Twolves proceeded to get the 3rd pick… thanks for nothing God.

A season ticket holder who won a sweepstakes represented the Kings. She got the 12th pick and I promise they’ll never hold that sweepstakes again.

Anyway, this season isn’t even over yet and I hope the Spurs know that almost everyone outside of San Antonio is disappointed that they beat New Orleans. I can only hope the Lakers will pull some of these shenanigans to make the series at least a little interesting:



Subscribe to what?

Barack OBallin'

In case it wasn’t clear that Barack Obama is the “hip” presidential candidate, he announced on WFNI 1070 that if elected he would replace the White House’s bowling alley with a basketball court, “There’s not only a chance, but it’s a guarantee.”. Apparently this guy took his Hawaii high school team to a 1979 state championship. Given, his state was Hawaii… but still, not too shabby. In fact that here’s some video evidence of his skills:



I’m sure Obama was good back in the day, but he has some pretty offensive comments for some big time players. He said that Indiana’s Eric Gordon “could use some guidance.” Yeah, sure you could probably improve his international policy Barack, but I don’t know if he’s about to come over to your house for some dribbling tips. Then, Obama went on to undercut the GOAT, “I was No. 23 before Michael Jordan was 23.” Oh you’re probably right, Mike probably wore it to rep you. But Obama surely doesn’t think he has NBA talent, right? Well, he described himself as “a slasher, a three, maybe a poor man’s Scottie Pippen or Tayshaun Prince – a guy like that without as much talent.” I see right through your clever campaign tactics, remaining neutral and humbling yourself. We all know you think Prince and Pippen are bums and you could do better.
Through his arrogant tirade, I got the sense that Obama has at least a little respect for the games greats. That’s why I suggest these players as select members of his potential cabinet:

-Kobe Bryant: Ambassador to White Girls
-Shaquille O’Neal: Select Surgeon General for Obese Children
-Stephon Marbury: Any job in the Department of Education

Those are just some suggestions, but all I’m saying is, if Obama is elected he will bring his slashing and his three to the White House, but I don’t know how well his flair for the smack talk will go with the Middle East.

Why Bother Recovering For The NBA When You Can Be A Street Legend?

"I Could Totally Beat This Guy"
Sorry for my long absence, but I knew it was the perfect time to put in my bid for the black/female democratic vote for president here in PA… it didn’t go too well.
Greg Oden has been busy too. Apparently, he was running some ball at the local Y, an activity I can only assume wasn’t mandated by the Trailblazers. The story goes that Oden went to a 24-hour fitness spot in Tualatin, Oregon where he played a couple games with the locals. Then, one such local came home and blogged about it:

“I just got home from the 24 hour fitness in Tualatin where I played in a pickup game with Greg Oden. He played two games, and obviously he dominated.”

This was all to the chagrin of the Trailblazer staff. Coach McMillan said, “In a couple of years he will understand how stupid that was… you just can't do that.” Personally, I don’t see why the coach is so mad. According to the blogger, NateBishop3, he dominated, dominated. I think more NBA players should test their talents in the streets, against the true, hardworking, tough talent found at Bailey Total Fitness or in the Chacatowa Elementary School or something. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the only way to prove you’re good enough for the NBA, to show people that all those dunks and blocks on ESPN aren’t a bunch of smoke and mirrors.
And imagine how NateBishop3 felt. I bet it was something like this (props to the always hilarious “My Wife and Kids” for the clip):




I mean, you’re in the gym, probably just finished with the stair master, stopped over at the court to practice your granny-style free throws, and in walks Greg Oden:

You:*banks free throw* Yessssss, just like mama used to make.
*Greg Oden walks in*
You: *dancing* OMG OMG THAT’S GREG ODEN!!!!!!!
Greg: Whatup b, you tryin’ to run some ball?
You: Wow, you’re face looks even worse in real life… I mean, ya I’d heart to play.
*Greg proceeds to dunk over you 8-10 times*
*He beats you 74-0 even though the game was to 11*
You: That was a super game Greg, thanks a thousand!!!!
Greg: I won! I won! Coach is gonna be soooo proud!
*You go home and take a 5-hour nap in a bathtub full of ice, then blog about the game*

Anyway, if you thought Greg Oden was some sort of fro-hawk rocking, weight-lifting, knee-breaking idiot, his decision to risk all the progress he’s made to recover from his season ending injury to prove he’s better than that smelly old guy at the Jewish Community Center gym should change your mind.

UCLA Steals The Game From Stanford, With A Little Help From The Refs

In the first replay since 1982, the NBA is allowing the Heat and the Hawks to play the final 51.9 seconds from December 19th over again. The Heat demanded the replay after Shaq was benched with a reported 6 fouls, even though he only had 5. The Hawks won the game thanks to their satiations error, but the replay idea reeks of stupidity since Shaq won’t play in this game either. Instead of a “replay” of the final 51.9 seconds of a previous game, this becomes, basically, a 52 second game between two different teams.
But I say, let them do whatever they want. In fact, more games should only be 52 seconds long, especially ones between Atlanta and Miami. Plus, the replay brings some interesting possibilities. As I wasn’t around in 1982, I’ve never really considered the idea of giving the end of a game another go because of a decisive mistake on the part of the officials, but now that I think about it, these things should happen more often. Case in point, Stanford vs. UCLA yesterday.
As UCLA guard Nick Collison drove through the lane with 3 seconds left in the 2nd, he got blocked by Stanford’s Lawrence Hill, sealing victory for the Cardinal’s who were up 63-61. Notice how I said that Collison got blocked by Hill. Blocked: When you reject a shot by stopping the ball on its way up, without making any contact with the shooter. That’s what happened. In fact, I encourage you to look for yourself:



Hill doesn’t touch Collison, who ended up going to the line, hitting both shots and sending the game to overtime where the Bruin’s won. This is a bad call anytime, but it becomes actually offensive when made at the last second in a game that goes a long way in deciding the PAC-10 Champion.
I didn’t actually see this game live, but I’ve heard that bad calls were abundant throughout. Regardless, deciding to dish out a make-up call on the classic, last-second, decisive play is pretty suspicious [insert Donaghy joke]. I used to think that the NCAA was free of favoritism, as long as UNC wasn’t playing anyway.