Live From New York, It's A Play-By-Play Recap

1st Quarter:
The LeBronalouge seems to have been a good warm up for the rest of the game. He pre-recorded those different LeBron’s from his Nike commercials so that he wouldn’t have to work himself too hard before the game really got started.
He then went on to play the straight man for a classic weirdo SNL character portrayed by Kristen Wiig. Not too physically demanding, but he should be picking up some speed for later in the game.
Heading to the end of the quarter, LeBron knows he really needs to step his game up. He starts demanding the ball on offense and all eyes are on him during a “High School Musical” spoof, and he really delivers.
Towards the end of the quarter, they bench LeBron for a digital short. They let him catch his breath and give the role players some time.

2nd Quarter:
LeBron kicks the quarter off right with an NBA Read To Achieve PSA spoof, he becomes unstoppable and at one point actually dunks on a cast member. He’s on fire.
Ending the first half, the coaches make a questionable decision and play him at an awkward position. He’s really comfortable playing a studly NBA player, but the SNL staff has casted him as a flute-playing nerd on a BET talk show spoof. He just can’t seem to get anything going here; hopefully they’ll adjust that during halftime.

-Halftime show with Kanye West is enjoyed by all despite weird dancing and orchestra-

3rd Quarter:
The quarter starts with a play called for LeBron’s teammates, certainly risky but Keenan Thompson really steps up as OJ Simpson.
But of course, when you have a franchise player like Bron, you can’t call many plays without putting the ball in his hands. He starts up a hot streak as a Solid Gold dancer, giving his team a substantial lead.
For some insane reason, the coach takes him out of the game. Maybe he’s afraid of fatigue or injury but this couldn’t of come at a worse time. He runs a cartoon, benching LeBron just when he was getting hot. Ouch.
At the end of the quarter they don’t improve things for LeBron but the team gets help from a surprising performance from Kanye West. Bron supplies a 3 second cameo but if they don’t give him some serious time in the 4th, they can expect a loss.

4th Quarter:
Still not much from LeBron. Kanye slips on the court but picks himself up, and begins to call plays as he thinks of them. Despite yells from the Coach, his “off the top of the dome” play calling is rather productive. But LeBron still isn’t being used.
Wisely, they give Bron the ball in the closing minutes, playing him in his most comfortable position… as himself. He spoofs himself and his choice to skip college for a little while, lighting up the scoreboard as he does so.
LeBron ends the game by thanking his fans, teammates and coaches.

Post Game Thoughts:
LeBron’s team got the W, but LeBron himself was underused. He had solid 2nd and 4th quarters and his teammates really stepped it up in the 3rd. He didn’t mess up in any particular way and certainly solidified himself as an official crossover athlete. Watch out Brad Pitt, there’s a new blockbuster actor in town!

LeBron Is Making Shakespeare Proud

LeBron is all set to host SNL tonight and I’m expecting big things. As appearances on several talk shows, pre-game antics, and the ESPYS taught us, LeBron can keep a crowd entertained. I mean, just watch him sing Bobby Brown’s classic “My Lebronative”:



Don’t believe in his thespian skills, negative reader? Well, tell me this doesn’t churn your butter:



He’s playing four people at the same time! That type of acting is only done by the likes of Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall, undoubtedly two of the Worlds most classically trained actors.
I’m excited for SNL tonight, and you can expect a play-by-play recap coming next.

Mo' Marion, Mo' Problems

As you’ve probably heard, Shawn Marion is looking to leave greener pastures with the Suns, to a less-than-competitive Lakers club. He’s been saying that “It's time for me to take the next step and leave” and "It's like a bad marriage. It's time to get up. I love my fans, I love the city, I love my teammates. I just think it's time for me to leave". What about loving your fans, city and teammates is like a bad marriage, you ask? It’s all about the Benjamins.
Even though Marion is the most highly paid Sun, but certainly not the most valuable, he’s trying to get a contract extension of $60 mil over the next 3 years. So the question is, is Marion worth it? The way I see it, the Suns have about 2 or 3 more years to win with the team they’ve got. That team, unfortunately for tightwad owner Robert Sarver, includes Marion. $20 million a year is far too much to pay Marion, but if it means he stays, and gives the Suns a few more chances at a championship, it might be worth it.
I find it hard to believe that Marion actually thinks he deserves this kind of bank but he definitely knows the Suns want him and going to the Lakers would mean they get nothing comparable in return (probably Lamar Odom). Marion’s got the Suns right where he wants them, and if they want a trophy they’re going to have to dish out some serious cheddar.

Next Big Thing(s)

Out of a high school class with some stellar players, including Derrick Rose, Michael Beasley and Eric Gordon, two names stand out from the others. Names that seem like they will almost always be used in the same sentence, the way Magic and Larry are. The two best players out of the college class of ’07 are OJ Mayo and Kevin Love, and they better get used to each other, because they’re going to be seeing a lot of one another.
The comparisons are inevitable, not because they play the same type of game, not because they have the same background, but because they’re both great and they’re not exactly doing anything to get away from each other. Since the McDonalds All-American Game, where they faced as East (Mayo) vs. West (Love), all eyes have been on them. The final score indicated a game as closely matched and even as these two, 114-112, with Love’s squad prevailing.
Kevin’s dad, Stan played in the NBA and he moved to Lake Oswego, Oregon from Santa Monica at an early age. He is a 6-10, 260 pound forward and he’s a huge offensive threat, using fundamentals in combination with creativity and straight last-one-to-leave-the-gym strength. He’s got the MVP awards, he’s got the championships as well as numerous citizenship and student/athlete awards.
OJ Mayo’s dad has been in and out of jail while his mother supported the family by herself. Mayo is a 6-4, 210 pound guard whose crazy athleticism and highflying dunks are complimented nicely with a silky J. He’s been on Youtube for pushing a ref, had his fair share of run-ins with the law and aspires to rebuild his community of Huntington, West Virginia.
To add to their numerous differences, Love is committed to UCLA while Mayo will be suiting up for USC.
Though these two lead very different personal lives, have different backgrounds and very different approaches to basketball, they will be compared, and they will be rivals. The beauty of basketball is that it transcends race, religion and reputation. The only thing that matters in this game, the same thing that makes these two rivals, is game. It’s what Larry and Magic shared, and it’s what Oden and Durant share. These two definitely got game, and there’s no doubt that you’ll be hearing about them for a while.

What Is Going On In Hermosa Beach?

If you play enough pickup, this tends to happen a lot.

Game Recognize Previews. Return of the Previews: Western Conference, Regular Season

Did you see Minority Report? Remember those guys in the water who can predict crimes before they happen? That's not how I did this.

Northwest Division:
1) Denver Nuggets
With AI on the squad all year long, I don’t see how they could have a worse record than any of these guys.
2) Seattle Supersonics
Yep, I bought into the Kevin Durant hype. Youtube that guy and I promise you’ll be a believer.
3) Utah Jazz
They were pretty good in the playoffs and Deron Williams got robbed of the MIP, but Carlos Boozer has one move. ONE MOVE. He does the same lame bank shot every time. I could D him up.
4) Minnesota Timberwolves
It’s not like they got nothing in return for KG.
5) Portland Trailblazers
I said LaMarcus Aldridge was better than Oden anyway, but I didn’t say they would win any games.


Pacific Division:
1) Phoenix Suns
They’re window of opportunity is closing, and they know it. As usual, they’re one of the best in the L.
2) Golden State Warriors
Yeah, they lost Jason Richardson, but they still can’t be worse than all the rest of these teams.
3) Los Angeles Lakers
Kobe’s gonna have to have a lot of 80-point games this year.
4) Sacramento Kings
At least none of their players ruptured their Achilles tendon.
5) Los Angeles Clippers
Without Brand, they’ve got nothing.

Southwest Division:
1) San Antonio Spurs
They won last year, and to be honest I have no idea how to rank teams.
2) Dallas Mavericks
Say what you will about they playoffs last year, they had the best record, the MVP and Mark Cuban.
3) Houston Rockets
I bet there will only be 3 or 4 weeks in which both T-Mac and Yao are playing injury free.
4) New Orleans Hornets
They’re actually pretty good, but in the hardest division.
5) Memphis Grizzlies
Possibly the worst team in the NBA. Yeah Hakim Warrick, FCS High School Pride!

Game Recognize Previews: Eastern Conference, Regular Season

Here are the results from the 2008 NBA Season. That's right, I can travel through time.

Atlantic Division:
1) Boston Celtics
No, I actually don’t really buy into the whole “new dynasty” stuff now that they have three ball-hogging, whiny superstars as opposed to one. It’s just that this division is really terrible.
2) Toronto Raptors
If this franchise keeps their people for another 5 years, they’ll be the best team in the NBA.
3) New Jersey Nets
It seems unlikely that the combo of Jason Kidd, Vincesanity and Richard Jefferson can actually do poorly, but that’s what I thought last year… and the year before that.
4) Philadelphia 76ers
It might be wishful thinking, but hopefully the Sixers won’t end up dead last in one of the worst divisions.
5) New York Knicks
Hey Knicks, way to get rid of Francis, but shouldn’t you know that a low post dominator is useless if he can’t play defense, what with Eddy Curry and everything?

Central Division:
1) Detroit Pistons
Hey, they’re the Pistons. C’mon.
2) Cleveland Cavaliers
Hey, they’re LeFranchise. C’mon.
3) Chicago Bulls
I don’t see this squad ever getting their act together.
4) Milwaukee Bucks
Desmond Mason can’t hurt but they only avoid the number 5 spot by default.
5) Indiana Pacers
Nobody would like to see Jeff Foster dominate more than I would, but they’re just one of the worst teams in the league.

Southeast Division:
1) Orlando Magic
They’re in a pretty easy division plus Dwight Howard is going to be the most dominate player in the NBA.
2) Charlotte Bobcats
The addition of Jason Richardson might actually make this team relevant. If you think about it, they’ve got Gerald Wallace, Emeka Okafor and I wouldn’t be that surprised if MJ put himself in a couple games. Just for like 20 minutes.
3) Washington Wizards
Yeah, Arenas is ok and they might have done well if Caron Butler and he didn’t hurt themselves last year, but it doesn’t really matter where I put them because they’ll get swept in the playoffs.
4) Miami Heat
I expect DWade to make a full recovery, but they lost Kapono, Posey, maybe Jason Williams and Shaq’s career is just about over. I don’t think Smush Parker will make up for it.
5) Atlanta Hawks
Yeah they just stink. Despite Johnson, Smith and Speedy Clax’s street cred, they’ll end up last in the division.

Stephen A. Smith? Nope, Just A Look-A-Like

Praying is definitely the new black.

Baskedents: Man's Only Natural Predator

“Baskedents” [Bas*Kah*Dents] noun – A basketball-related incident happening unintentionally or unexpectedly, often causing pain to the victim.

Baskedents are happening all over the world. No matter who you are, a baskedent may happen to you or someone you love… unless you play, like, soccer or something. To prove that baskedents know no race, religion or creed, here are some of the worst of all time.


They happen to college players:



They happen to the pros:

I thought the music might help some of our younger viewers stomach the image of his knee folding like Stretch Armstrong, but don’t let the soundtrack fool you, that was real... real painful.


They happen to lame suburban trampolites whose friends hate them:



They happen all over the world:

If he were about 4 inches taller, he wouldn’t have a head anymore. Or his head wouldn’t have a body anymore. He would have had a serious baskedent, anyway.

So those videos just go to show you, no matter who you are, where you’re from or whether you have a trampoline or not, a baskedent is waiting for you.

Worst... Offseason... Ever

As a Sixers fan, I have no choice but to rant about their recent decisions. First they traded away Bobby Jones and Steven Hunter for Ricky Sanchez and Reggie Evans, which is basically just trading two useless players for two other useless players. In fact, you may know Reggie Evans as the "guy who violated Chris Kaman". Yep, the Sixers proudly accept this guy:

Then, president and GM, Billy King announced that Aaron McKie “would have a position with the team this season”. All I can say is, he better be assistant to the assistant coach or something, because if playing with the Sixers didn’t work before, it won’t work 13 years later.
Those moves probably won’t really effect the team one way or the other, they’re just stupid, but when King announced that Philadelphia was picking up former Washington Wizard, Calvin Booth, I nearly burned my most valued Kyle Korver poster (no, nobody’s ever actually produced a KK poster). Are you serious? Calvin Booth? This 31-year-old had a 06-07 season of 1.6 PPG and 1.8 RPG… in only 8.6 minutes a game! Yeah, he’s useless and what’s worse, the Sixers expect this guy to play “a greater role with the Sixers”. Maybe he’ll be able to reach a peak of 2 points and rebounds a game and play 17.2 minutes a game. If you think basketball players are overpaid, the fact that their paying this guy upwards of $15 dollars is an argument in your favor. This move won’t really affect the team either, but it officially makes this the most stupid, useless offseason in the history of the NBA.
The Sixers need a total revamping if their going to win any games, not a Nuggets reject, a former 6th man award-stealer, or a guy who looks like this:

The Emperor's New Groove

Not to be outdone by his archenemy, Big Aristotle, Kobe has traveled to the far East himself, meeting fans and schooling them in basketball. Despite the slave wages and abuse they receive making Kobe’s sneakers for Nike, plenty of Asian children came out to watch him.
So, to show his appreciation, Kobe dunked on, crossed up and just embarrassed any 4’ Asian in his path… and they loved it. Kobe was treated like a God all throughout Asia, greeted with cheers and crowds of fans. In Taiwan, he received a tribal headband, a sign of leadership. They really almost made this guy their king, but when he realized their were no white women in Asia, he headed home.
Here’s a video of him dunking on a couple of children. He has the crowd eating out of his hand:

We could have used an ambassador like this when they were Commies.

Raindance!

The following is probably my favorite basketball scene in any movie. It's from Along Came Polly and it is gross.