Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Reggie Miller's Retired All-Star Squad

The fact that Reggie Miller is actually considering making an NBA “comeback” forced me to consider a team comprised entirely of old has-beens to be known as “Reggie Miller’s Retired All-Star Squad”. Despite the name, these players don’t actually have to be retired, but they should be. These are players who experienced some level of success on some level of play and, despite being old, choose to either return and disgrace whatever legacy they left (i.e. Reggie Miller), or refuse to unclench the nails they have dug into whatever amount of achievment they have experienced (i.e. Dikembe Mutombo). Sometimes they are just such a perfect combination of bad and old that they earn a spot (i.e. Greg Ostertag). In any case, they should retire and/or stay retired.

PG- Gary Payton (39)
SG- Reggie Miller (41)
SF- Scottie Pippen (41)
PF- Greg Ostertag (34)
C- Dikembe Mutombo (41)
Honorable Mentions: Alonzo Mourning, Aaron McKie and Sam Cassell

Gary Payton: As the 2006 NBA Finals taught us, this guy is the most useful player on Reggie Miller’s Retired All-Star Squad. And yet, he’s useless. He used to be pretty good, but these days he’s known as “the guy DWade used to play as in NBA Live ‘98”. The Glove needs to retire already and be remembered for his success with the Supersonics, not as the player trying to shimmy himself back into relevancy.

Reggie Miller: He’s about to turn 42 and still contemplating a return to the league. Danny Ainge promised him a solid 15 minutes a game… not worth sacrificing his Pacers legacy. He managed to play on the same team for his entire 18-year career and will be remembered as the best Pacer to ever beat the Knicks. He even found a great job yakking it up on TNT. Besides, a team with Pierce, Allen and Miller won’t be that cool after the novelty wears off.

Scottie Pippen: After announcing that he was interested in making a comeback in February, Pippen proceeded to embarrass himself during All-Star weekend in the Haier Shooting Stars competition. He was unable to land himself on a team last season (shocker), but don’t think he’s given up the fight. Maybe he has something to prove because all the focus was on Jordan during his career, but regardless, he’s got rings and he’s got money so there’s really no reason to even think about returning.

Greg Ostertag: He may be the youngest player on this squad, but he makes up for it by being the worst. Though he doesn’t have a “legacy” to disgrace, the fact that he thinks a team would want him to contribute 15 minutes is embarrassing enough.

Dikembe Mutombo: He’s old, he’s bad and he won’t leave. He may be personable and socially conscious but he can’t play like he used to. He should accept that he’s the second best shot-blocker and one of the most dynamic rebounders ever, and retire already.

The Bench: Copy and paste Mutombo’s paragraph for Alonzo Mourning. Just like Payton, he should have bowed out after he won the championship.
Aaron McKie is just terrible. He stole the 6th man of the year award and that’s the only thing he has to show for his entire career. Bet you didn’t know he’s actually on the Lakers now. Weird, right?
Sam Cassell is a mummy. He was once the pharaoh of all the Western Nile, but today he is a 30,000-year-old basketball player. He was actually too old to make the All-Star Retired Squad. Go back to the crypt, Sam.

When some of today’s brightest stars blossom into players like these, hope they retire and stay retired.

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